Like Dreaming, Backwards: Nell (cut version)

Like Dreaming, Backwards by Kellie Powell (cut version)

Like Dreaming, Backwards is a series of monologues and scenes about the suicide of a young college student named Nell. The play also includes monologues from Nell's mother, Leah, a acquaintance, Yale, and her friend, Natalie. For further information and advice on performing this monologue, read this note from the playwright

(cut version)

NELL:

The first time I tried to kill myself, I was ten. 

When I woke up the next morning, I was relieved. 

But then I tried again. 

I've lost count of how many times I've tried and failed. 

Now, when I wake up after taking every sleeping pill in arm's reach, 

I'm never, ever relieved. I feel trapped. 

I feel desperate. I feel like even more of a failure. 

They say suicide is "taking the easy way out". 

Let me tell you: It's not that fucking easy. 

You can't bear another second of misery - 

but your heart just refuses to stop beating.

I understand with perfect clarity that I am never going to get better. 

No therapy can help me. No medication can fix me. 

I can make everyone think I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay.

But I've never been okay. I'll never be okay.

I apologise for not posting last week! And I apologise for not being able to find the uncut version of this monologue. This is the cut version that I used to audition for UVU's production of Next to Normal.