Two Gentlemen of Verona: Launce

Two Gentlemen of Verona by Shakespeare

Launce:
Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping.
All the kind of the Launces have this very fault.
I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son,
and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's court.
I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives.
My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying,
our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands,
and all our house in a great perplexity,
yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear.
He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog.
A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting.
Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting.
Nay, I'll show you the manner of it.
This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father.
No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither.
Yes, it is so, it is so -- it hath the worser sole.
This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father.
A vengeance on't! There 'tis.
Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you,
she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand.
This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog.
No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog --
O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so.
Now come I to my father: 'Father, your blessing.'
Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping.
Now should I kiss my father -- well, he weeps on.
Now come I to my mother.
O, that she could speak now like a wood woman!
Well, I kiss her -- why, there 'tis: here's my mother's breath up and down.
Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes.
Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!

This monologue has a lot of potential for physical humor. Don't be afraid to give it a try! I've seen a performance where the actor actually took off his shoes and acted the whole last part of the monologue using them as props. Hilarious!